I See the Sun Shine Behind the Dark Clouds

The world is an endless place.
Days go by and faces change.
Never ending love and heartless rage.
To think, to hear, to cry, to pace.
Why have I been put in this place?

Sometimes lost, usually found.
Sometimes I wish we could get off the ground.
Our hearts, our minds, they know what it’s like.
To be lost, yet found.

I see the sky change from night to day.
I see the jets leave lines of grey.
I hear birds chirp and babies cry.
Yet still I find myself asking “Why?”
What to make of this life, the girl inside?
I still haven’t a clue of why she hides.

This world is a beautiful place.
There are kind faces to befriend.
And lots of adventures to be had.

That’s why I’m still here.
To let my spirit be free.
To live this life and always be me.

We are all too young…

Here I am, riding the roller coaster of life, again.
The ups, the downs, the swirls around.
Taking me through this journey.
People dying, people living.
Some people go on, all their lives, not forgiving.
I remember the past and look towards the future.
I believe in myself, but not this creature.
Buried inside, deep inside of me.
This hatred and sadness continues to be.
Some days I’m happy, others sad.
Sometimes I miss the people I’ll never see again.
Why is life so hard?
Why is hate so strong?
Why do we continue to love, after everything we know is gone?
The world changes.
People become scarce and bitter.
But I will never forget those who made my life better.

Remembering, Letting Go, and Moving On

So, February 20th was the 1 year annivedsay of my Grandpa’s death. It was a pretty bad day for me. I still can’t believe he is gone. It feels like it was just yesterday. I can still hear Grandma calling my name and still picture his face. His stony, glass blue eyes, looking into nothing. It haunts me everyday of my life. Knowing that there was nothing I could do, yet I just kept trying. To this day, I still don’t think I could give CPR to anyone. I feel like I failed you, Grandpa. I promised you so many things and haven’t accomplished many of them.

All I ever wanted from anyone was love. You and Grandma showed me that. You taught me how to accept love into my heart and give love to others. You taught me how to be the best I could be and face my fears and the world. You’ve taught me a heck of a lot of things I’ll never forget. Mostly, I’ll never forgot that you were my first and only Grandpa. I’ll never forget my first weekends at your house or my last hug from you. You guys loved me like I never thought would be possible.

It’s hard for me to talk to Grandma these days. I feel like we’ve drifted so far apart. I don’t know what to say to her anymore. All I wanna do is love her and be there for her but I feel like I can’t even do that for myself. I feel like I’ve turned into a horrible person. I miss you guys lots. I miss our dinners, our talks, our jokes, and our love. I’ll never have what I had with you guys, with anyone.

So back to my original thoughts…

I was having a pretty bad day. Crying off and on. Feeling pretty blue and down in the dumps. Then, out of nowhere one of my ex- boyfriends starts messaging me. He starts going on about how happy he is with his new girlfriend (Mind you, I knew this chick in highschool; she is like 4 years younger than him and a total skank. I’m not joking, she slept around with a bunch of guys before she was even 16.) So anywho, they’ve been dating like 3 weeks or something. He then tells me he has some secret news…

*Drum-Roll, Please*

She’s pregnant. *Gasp*! Not very surprising, eh? Seems like everyone is just popping out kids these days.

For some reason this really bothers me. Well I guess for starters they’ve only been together for less than a month, and then I guess there are a few other reasons. He is the first guy I ever was with that I talked about having kids with. It just hurts a little.

Then, he knows that there is a high possible chance I may never be able to have kids, then to just rub it in my face on the anniversary of my Grandpa’s death was pretty damn rude. It made me feel like shit. I guess, I thought he’d be the last person to have kids before me.

I guess it just makes me angry he had the balls to shove that in my face on that specific day. I mean, come on! *Cough* Douche *Cough*

So, after that I realized something. I think it’s time to finally let go. To let him have his whore and bastard child with her and try to forget that he was ever part of my life.

I’m moving on, slowly. Like a snail, realizing that there is more to the world than just a small backyard full of grass and rocks. So, I’m journeying on; not knowing what to expect or what I’ll find. I’m letting go of the past. Letting all the bad bury itself in its own demise.

I feel free. For once in a long, long time. I just feel so free. It could just be the alcohol talking or it could really be that I feel free of this obligation to make people happy. It’s my life and I’m going to focus on me and what makes me happy.

Thank you, Grandpa, for teaching me that the only people that matter are the ones you want to matter. I will try harder to stress the importance of how much Grams means to me and how much I miss her.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for tonight.

So, until next time, cya.

It Just Goes To Show

It just goes to show,

That you never cared.

It just goes to show,

How you’re not really there.

You’ll never understand,

Although you seem to pretend.

You’ll never really know,

How I feel in the end.

It just goes to show,

How fake everything is.

It just goes to show,

That I’m good at holding it in.

You’ll never understand,

What our relationship means.

You’ll never really know,

What this all means.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I thought we were in this together. But, apparently somewhere along the way I turned out to be wrong. You say you love me, but do you really? It doesn’t seem like it a lot of the time. It seems like I am just here. Living, breathing, just here. I do what I can, to make you happy and I know most of the time I’m just angry and depressed; which really isn’t all my fault. I didn’t just wake up one morning and decide “Gee, I’m going to make myself be unhappy for the rest of my life.” I mean, come on, I try. Maybe not as hard as I should, I will admit that. But give me a break.

I thought you were different. But I’m scared that you might not be. Like today, for instance, you say you love me and are all huggy and kissy and then you get what you want and that’s the end of the story. I don’t want to be one of those girls. I want to be important. I want to feel like I’m special to you. Like I mean something. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’m not.

There are things I’m afraid to tell you. I thought I could tell you anything and be 100% open with you but lately I’m scared that I can’t be and that I might not ever be able to. It shouldn’t be that way. I shouldn’t feel that way. But I do and I don’t know why. Maybe ok, I’ll be honest (here) because you may or may not read this. But I found something. Just the something that I hoped I’d never find. And if I were to bring it up I would make myself look like an ass because I know the answer about it. Yet, is it the real answer? How am I supposed to know? I don’t trust anyone. Not completely. Not anymore.

What next?

Like a never ending river,
Flowing through my viens.
Like a rimless bowl,
You can’t escape.
Like a steam engine,
Full speed ahead in my mind.
The feelings and emotions just keep coming,
Boiling over the toplike a pan walked away from.

I’m just angry and frustrated. I’m sorry I cant be eveverything you want me to be. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. Maybe this just isn’t meant to be. Maybe we’re too different afterall.

I’m not really sure what to say anymore. Not really sure where to go from here. Especially after what you just voiced tonight, it’s apparant to me that this will eventually come to an end.

It’s been nagging at the back of my mind for some time now, so maybe I should just be honest with myself.

All I wanted to do was make you happy and you just pretty much said that I don’t do that. So why bother trying? Why give a shit about us?

Here I am again. Doing somethingi swore id never do again. All the thoughts the giults, the fears, the stress, the anxziety. Its like there is so many things running through my mind but I cant let them out, in fear of talking and not breathing at the same time. Besides you don’t seem to notice me anyways. I’m invisible, trying Roget hour attention in numerous waysbut you don’t seem to care. I feel so gone, I’m so scared. I really didn’t want to do it but I didn’t want to say no and let you down. Everything is spinning and I want to crybut incantation. I feel like throwing up…

I just wanted to go to dinner and see a movie but now I want to cut myself. Take the pain away and focus on something else. I’m stuck in my worst nightmare; the four walls of my own mind.

I wish I had a friend. There are two people in front of me and conversations going on but.I cant focus on them. By the time a few words come out ive forgotten what’s going on.

I’m so sorry grandpa. I’m selfish. Its because of stuff like this night right here that you’re gone. If ii wouldn’t have been at Mate’s getting high all the time then I could have been home taking care of you.
I feel sick.

Baby Steps

So, I’ve come to realize that this up hill walk has turned into more of a hike up a ginormous mountain and that it will take some time to get to the top. Who would have figured, right? I am making progress in life. By this I mean, I am working hard (literally…I’ve been working 7 days a week), I am trying to be more positive and goal-oriented, and I’m still a loving and caring person.

But, it turns out I’m still me on the inside. I still have my bad days…those really low moments with those deep dark thoughts that creep up and take over. It’s scary really. Sometimes I wonder what will happen if I can’t control the thoughts anymore…oh wait, that’s already happened. They just pop up and it’s like they are taking over my mind and I can’t think anything else but what has just popped in my mind.

The last few days I have been taking NAPPI training for work. During one of our breaks I ended up talking to one of the trainers, Kristin, about some things. She ended up giving me a number for a specific part of CMH and told me I should give them a call. So I did. I now have an appointment on Friday. Yay me, right? I’m kind of nervous about it…the lady on the phone was talking about how they will do an assessment to see what is going on and what they can do to help me (hospitalization, etc.). It’s scary…I mean, I don’t think I’m crazy…but what if there really is something wrong with me? I know I’m probably just worrying a little too much, but it’s not like there is a shortage of mental health problems in my family.

Speaking of training, I’m in there with like 5 other women and the two trainers, Kristin and Dave. It’s kind of neat but it makes me really miss being in Bay City or Roscommon and actually having people to talk to. Everyone is so far away…it really sucks and sometimes I get really lonely…ok…more like most of the time. Especially if Nate is working. I just really miss the few friends I have (mainly having girl time with Shannon) and my grandma. I miss being able to hang out with a girl and share my feelings with them and just, I don’t know how to explain it except for to say “have girl time”. It’s funny how in this world, we take so many things for granted, friends/family being one of the top. We don’t realize what we have until it is gone…

Sometimes I wish I was like a different person…that I was a “typical” person and didn’t have so many things to worry about or have scary thoughts running through my head. Sometimes I wish I could just let go of the entire past and start over…but can we ever really forget horribly, bad, traumatizing things? I don’t know if I can. I know you are supposed to ‘forgive and forget’ or whatever, but I honestly just don’t think I can. Have I essentially forgiven…it was more like me saying “sorry” where it should have been others…but whatever, I’m just an idiot I guess.

It kills me to see the things that go on in this world and nobody does anything about it. The system has failed numerous people, over and over again. And, it keeps on failing. I guess I just don’t understand why it can be like that. I’ve found out that there are people I love and care about that their situations more than likely could have been prevented if they had the help they needed. I guess that just bothers me a little bit.

Well…anywho…that is pretty much what has been going on recently.

On the brighter side of things, for the most part I have been feeling better…my stomach hasn’t been bothering me as much as it was and I have been a little happier about things. Mainly because I’ve been shutting everything and everyone out and just focusing on work. Which essentially isn’t really that healthy, but I guess you do what you gotta do.

As for Nathan and I, we have been getting along pretty well. We still have our days, just like any other couple. I think the whole date night thing helped a little and I hope we continue to do it. We are both excited for Christmas because we have awesome ideas of what we want to get each other. Our tree is up, and has been since a little before Thanksgiving. Did I mention we got it for free? We were walking to the car after getting a ton of stuff from Wal-Mart one day and I was checking the receipt before I wrote the price in our check-book register and noticed that we hadn’t been charged for it…so “thank you, Wal-Mart for our free, $40 tree.” It’s actually pretty nice. It has lights already on it and we hung garland and ornaments on it and Nathan picked out a really pretty multi-colored star for the top. I also have various little houses and people on a stand next to the tree to look like a little winter village.

Well, it’s getting late and I have to be up early, so I better get to posting so I can get to bed.

So, until next time, cya.